Dear People Who Wear Hats,

Please don't drive.

I know there is no logical reason why this would be so but it would seem that wearing hats while driving, or even having a hat in your car, makes you a really bad, inconsiderate, ignorant and/or stupid driver.

Don't believe me? Test the theory for yourself. Whenever you see someone cruising along the freeway doing 37km below the speed limit - check their head. If they are not wearing a hat then you will undoubtedly spot it on the shelf behind the back seat. If you see someone who indicates in the completely opposite way through a round about than what is described in the road rules (as well as the rules of common sense), you can bet your bottom dollar they're wearing a hat.

It would also seem that the type of hat directly affects the level of uselessness of the driver. Baseball caps typically relate to those who feel they are the most important person on the road (and doubly so if they are also a P-plater) while a straw hat or an akubra is your Sunday driver who forgets that there is anyone else on the road at all.

So, my plea is clear. If you intend to have a hat in the car, don't plan to take your car out of the drive way. Plleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaassssseeeeeeeee!

Sincerly,
Bareheaded and safely conscientious on the roads.

Dear People Who Walk Behind Reversing Cars in Car Parks,

There's just no cure for stupid, is there?

Sincerly,
Impatiently giving way while silently wishing I could slam my foot on the accelerator and bring you the fuck back to the real world.

Dear P-Platers,

Just so you know, the requirement for you to display P-plates is to highlight your inexperience to other drivers that we may increase caution should you make irratic decisions due to inexperience. It is NOT an excuse to be an ignorant, arrogant arsehole on the road.

Sincerely,
Disrespected but still wishing to remain alive and to keep my licence.

Dear Micowave,

While I know your main function is to heat food - and I conceed this is somethin you do *exceptionally* well - by the very fact that you include a clock on yuor display, you will have to forgive me if I also have the expectation that you will be able to accurately keep time as well.

Granted, with the invent of digital watches, mobile phones and other devices which also serve to tell time, your clock is more of a "nice to have" rather than a deal breaker in terms of features one looks for when buying a new microwave. Never the less, if you will persist in having the clock function as your default display option, I'm afraid I will insist on you being able to actually keep accurate time.


I really don't think I'm asking too much. Please work with me on this!

Regards,
Perpetually late without your help.

Dear Shoelaces,

It has taken a good many years for the penny to drop but I finally see you all for the conniving, maliciously mischievous, malevolent beings that you are.

I now realise that it is no accident that you will snap suddenly and without warning only when I am already running late rather than, by weight of odds, sometimes when I am in a hurry and sometimes when I actually have time to swap you over.

Furthermore, I can see the bastardry of the slowly-fraying-and-ready-to-break-any-minute trick that necessitates in the purchase of several spare pairs of 'just in case' shoelaces but which ends in the shoes wearing out before the laces actually give out.

And let's no even start on the spontaneous and surreptitious untying at inopportune moments and the whole tripping people over business. All that is well beyond obvious as being part of your whole evil plan.

You are a hateful race and your pathetic attempts to rise above your lot in life by undermining the sanity and dignity of your masters will never win through.

From this moment on, I vow to never again purchase a pair of lace up shoes. Yep, that's right, it's slip-ons, buckles, thongs, barefoot and/or velcro all the way for me and my family.

Take that, you fascists!

Sincerely,
The founder and president of Footware Conspiracies Revealed Inc

Dear people towing trailers,

Perhaps you didn't realise this but once you attach a trailer to the back of your vehicle, it stays there until it is removed.

This means that as you are driving along, bar some unforseen circumstance where your trailer may become detached from your vehicle, you otherwise still have a trailer behind you.

I just mention this in the vain hope that you may stand a chance of remembering it in future as trailers are also subject to the normal laws of physics and therefore actually do take up room which you need to cater for to avoid taking off the front end of another car when you don't leave enough space before swerving suddenly to the left lane that is already occupied at that time.

Sincerely,
She who is eternally grateful for quick reflexes and effective brakes.

Dear Drive-in Late-comers,

If it's not bad enough that you arrive after the start of the movie, why do you also feel that you are likely to find an empty spot in a row that is clearly already well-populated or that using your full headlights will help you see an otherwise hidden spot - seriously, parkers are fine at the speed you are driving and don't tend to blind the rest of the patrons.

Also, whether you are late or not, taking a spot in front of an established vehicle when your vehicle is bigger or just simply in the way is pretty damned rude. And, if you are rude/stupid enough to do this, don't get all huffy when someone nicely asks you to move. And, moving over one metre is pretty lame. Remember, at kids movies, there are usually kids present, and kids are short where you are old and fat (ok, yes, I am referring to a specific carload of people here). Think of the children!

Sincerly,
A lover of fine entertainment presented under a star-lit sky