It has taken a good many years for the penny to drop but I finally see you all for the conniving, maliciously mischievous, malevolent beings that you are.
I now realise that it is no accident that you will snap suddenly and without warning only when I am already running late rather than, by weight of odds, sometimes when I am in a hurry and sometimes when I actually have time to swap you over.
Furthermore, I can see the bastardry of the slowly-fraying-and-ready-to-break-any-minute trick that necessitates in the purchase of several spare pairs of 'just in case' shoelaces but which ends in the shoes wearing out before the laces actually give out.
And let's no even start on the spontaneous and surreptitious untying at inopportune moments and the whole tripping people over business. All that is well beyond obvious as being part of your whole evil plan.
You are a hateful race and your pathetic attempts to rise above your lot in life by undermining the sanity and dignity of your masters will never win through.
From this moment on, I vow to never again purchase a pair of lace up shoes. Yep, that's right, it's slip-ons, buckles, thongs, barefoot and/or velcro all the way for me and my family.
Take that, you fascists!
Sincerely,
The founder and president of Footware Conspiracies Revealed Inc
