Dear People Who Wear Hats,

Please don't drive.

I know there is no logical reason why this would be so but it would seem that wearing hats while driving, or even having a hat in your car, makes you a really bad, inconsiderate, ignorant and/or stupid driver.

Don't believe me? Test the theory for yourself. Whenever you see someone cruising along the freeway doing 37km below the speed limit - check their head. If they are not wearing a hat then you will undoubtedly spot it on the shelf behind the back seat. If you see someone who indicates in the completely opposite way through a round about than what is described in the road rules (as well as the rules of common sense), you can bet your bottom dollar they're wearing a hat.

It would also seem that the type of hat directly affects the level of uselessness of the driver. Baseball caps typically relate to those who feel they are the most important person on the road (and doubly so if they are also a P-plater) while a straw hat or an akubra is your Sunday driver who forgets that there is anyone else on the road at all.

So, my plea is clear. If you intend to have a hat in the car, don't plan to take your car out of the drive way. Plleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaassssseeeeeeeee!

Sincerly,
Bareheaded and safely conscientious on the roads.

Dear People Who Walk Behind Reversing Cars in Car Parks,

There's just no cure for stupid, is there?

Sincerly,
Impatiently giving way while silently wishing I could slam my foot on the accelerator and bring you the fuck back to the real world.

Dear P-Platers,

Just so you know, the requirement for you to display P-plates is to highlight your inexperience to other drivers that we may increase caution should you make irratic decisions due to inexperience. It is NOT an excuse to be an ignorant, arrogant arsehole on the road.

Sincerely,
Disrespected but still wishing to remain alive and to keep my licence.

Dear Micowave,

While I know your main function is to heat food - and I conceed this is somethin you do *exceptionally* well - by the very fact that you include a clock on yuor display, you will have to forgive me if I also have the expectation that you will be able to accurately keep time as well.

Granted, with the invent of digital watches, mobile phones and other devices which also serve to tell time, your clock is more of a "nice to have" rather than a deal breaker in terms of features one looks for when buying a new microwave. Never the less, if you will persist in having the clock function as your default display option, I'm afraid I will insist on you being able to actually keep accurate time.


I really don't think I'm asking too much. Please work with me on this!

Regards,
Perpetually late without your help.

Dear Shoelaces,

It has taken a good many years for the penny to drop but I finally see you all for the conniving, maliciously mischievous, malevolent beings that you are.

I now realise that it is no accident that you will snap suddenly and without warning only when I am already running late rather than, by weight of odds, sometimes when I am in a hurry and sometimes when I actually have time to swap you over.

Furthermore, I can see the bastardry of the slowly-fraying-and-ready-to-break-any-minute trick that necessitates in the purchase of several spare pairs of 'just in case' shoelaces but which ends in the shoes wearing out before the laces actually give out.

And let's no even start on the spontaneous and surreptitious untying at inopportune moments and the whole tripping people over business. All that is well beyond obvious as being part of your whole evil plan.

You are a hateful race and your pathetic attempts to rise above your lot in life by undermining the sanity and dignity of your masters will never win through.

From this moment on, I vow to never again purchase a pair of lace up shoes. Yep, that's right, it's slip-ons, buckles, thongs, barefoot and/or velcro all the way for me and my family.

Take that, you fascists!

Sincerely,
The founder and president of Footware Conspiracies Revealed Inc

Dear people towing trailers,

Perhaps you didn't realise this but once you attach a trailer to the back of your vehicle, it stays there until it is removed.

This means that as you are driving along, bar some unforseen circumstance where your trailer may become detached from your vehicle, you otherwise still have a trailer behind you.

I just mention this in the vain hope that you may stand a chance of remembering it in future as trailers are also subject to the normal laws of physics and therefore actually do take up room which you need to cater for to avoid taking off the front end of another car when you don't leave enough space before swerving suddenly to the left lane that is already occupied at that time.

Sincerely,
She who is eternally grateful for quick reflexes and effective brakes.

Dear Drive-in Late-comers,

If it's not bad enough that you arrive after the start of the movie, why do you also feel that you are likely to find an empty spot in a row that is clearly already well-populated or that using your full headlights will help you see an otherwise hidden spot - seriously, parkers are fine at the speed you are driving and don't tend to blind the rest of the patrons.

Also, whether you are late or not, taking a spot in front of an established vehicle when your vehicle is bigger or just simply in the way is pretty damned rude. And, if you are rude/stupid enough to do this, don't get all huffy when someone nicely asks you to move. And, moving over one metre is pretty lame. Remember, at kids movies, there are usually kids present, and kids are short where you are old and fat (ok, yes, I am referring to a specific carload of people here). Think of the children!

Sincerly,
A lover of fine entertainment presented under a star-lit sky

Dear Housework Pixies,

My house is messy and my door is open - ready when you are!

Sincerly,
Wisful, hopeful and over cleaning the same things day after day.

Dear Drivers,

Did you know that the windows in cars are made of glass and therefore people can see you pick your nose?

Sincerly,
Disgusted onlooker.

Dear TV Shows that frequently go on hiatis,

There will never be an explaination that I believe will sufficiently excuse TV shows going on mid-season breaks.

The excuse of rating seasons is absolutle piffle - the number of people who watch live television these days is fading into insignificance with websites (legitimate and otherwise) where shows can be streamed and downloaded, Tivo, FoxIQ, DVD records and the good ole VCR. I've never really had faith in the ratings systems anyway - and why is it when there is any type of holiday (be it one day public holidays or eight week Christmas breaks) tv stations no longer believe that anyone is watching tv at all?

Come to think of it, I really can't see why good shows can't stay on 52 weeks a year. They are written and filmed in blocks so the cast and crew would still get holidays (and significantly more than four week a year like us average joes) so why they can't just earn their money is simply beyond me.

And, while we're on the subject - canceling shows, especially mid-season, should be completely banned. Once a commitment is made, it should be seen through until the end. All cancelations do is prove how out of touch tv execs are with what people really want to watch - if they sign up something crap and no one watches it, they should be made to continue with it anyway and wear the loss.

Sincerly,
One who still has heaps of downloads left this month but with no good shows left to watch.

Dear Clean Clothes,

Isn't it time you all decided to act responsibly and learnt to fold and put yourselves away? Seriously, I shouldn't have to do this for all of you every single week of your lives!!!

Sincerely,
Someone who is very much ahead on her washing but thinks the rest of the process is somebody else's problem.

Dear Checkout Chicky (#2),

How does a comment about easter eggs turn into an expletive decorated revelation that your husband of 18 years left you four weeks ago to shack up with a woman he'd known for three days in a place two minutes down the road from you?

As much as I feel for anyone in this sort of situation, this is seriously just too much information.

Sincerely,
Still wishing to be anonymous

Dear Relatives,

I'm really not sure why I have become singularly responsible for the suggestions for absolutely everyone in the family in regards to presents but I have to say it is particularly wearying and takes all the shine out of birthday and christmas surprises.

Now, I'm all for making present pruchasing practical, if there is something specifical that someone wants. I'm even happy to perpetuate the charade of passing on the wish list item/s so that the recipient can maintain the semblance of surprise when they open the gift. But, when there is nothing that the person really wants, and I'm already wracking my brains on what to get them myself, how is it that I end up with the burden of working out what other people should get them as well?

Present giving should be a process of giving something that you want to give. And, frankly, if you don't know your family members well enough to know what to give them as a gift and/or you can't be bothered putting in the time and effort to find something yourself then there really is more important aspects of the relationship that need to be worked out.

Sincerly,
The daughter who still remembers the birthday when she didn't get anything from her own mother because she didn't tell her mother anything specific that she wanted other than a surprise.

Dear Male Cleaners,

While I truly appreciate effort on behalf of the shopping centre management to at least put up the illusion of their amenities being hygienic with the strategic obvious yet inconvenient dis(placement) of mops, buckets, spray bottles and other cleaning paraphernalia (including real people from time to time), I have to say I find it somewhat disconcerting to be using the facilities in the female toilets when I suddenly hear the sound of a decidedly male voice.

After a reassuring review of the absence of urinals in the memory of the scene as I entered the room and thereby confirming that I am not the one in the wrong place, one is then moved to contemplate why a male cleaner would feel it necessary or in any way appropriate to be holding a conversation in the ladies room.

Please, just slide your mop and bucket ineffectually around the floor then pack your 'cleaning in progress' sign (which is obviously not to be understood as being in any way literal) under your arm and leave as quickly as possible - or at least put on a high pitched voice in the event that you do have to say something so as not to upset the correctly gendered patrons.

Sincerely,
Someone who is prepared to wait in the cubicle until she is sure you are gone in order to avoid the uncomfortable confrontation of eye contact between both parties.

Dear Shoppers,

Please know that as you are walking through the shopping centre and you are overcome by an urge to stop suddenly and without warning in the middle of the thoroughfare, top of the escalators or, my favourite, two steps inside a doorway, it is very difficult for me to stop my heavily laden trolley with the cracked handle that is pinching my fingers, dinted frame and dodgy wheel quickly enough so it is more than likely that I will *accidentally* ram you, possibly several times, through no fault of my own.

Seriously, have a think about it. You are NOT the only person in the universe and there really is a social and cultural necessity to be aware of others in your immediate vicinity and take necessary precautions to move to an appropriate space out of the flow of traffic before you stop. Really, it's not rocket science.

Sincerly,
Publicly Unliable

Dear Checkout Chicky,

Please note that it is not necessary to comment on all of my purchases. You kinda freak me out a bit when you do that. We are not friends. This is a business transaction. I do not want your opinion on my salad dressing, your assumptions about my need for Berocca or your commentary on such and such a new product that you had seen and had been wondering about whether it was any good or not. And, while I smile and nod, I really have no intention of reporting back to you on whether the product met our shared expectations.

Sincerly,
Anonymous

Dear Zuma Blitz,

I love you.

No, I hate you.

No, I love you.

I hate you.

I love you.

I hate you.

Arrrrrrggg, I can't live without yoooooouuuuuu!!!!!

Sincerly,
One of your many pathetically addicted fans who have a million and one other things to do (including sleeping) yet who still finds themselves playing Zuma Blitz until all hours and getting nothing else done each day.

P.S. Love the new board ♥

Dear receipts printed on thermal paper,

You know you're meant to last for seven years without fading for taxation purposes, don't you?

I don't need your help getting in trouble from the taxation department.

Sincerly,
Someone with increasingly failing eyesight from having to squint to work out the numbers on the thermal dockets

Dear P-Plater who sat in the right lane on the freeway all the way from the Central Coast to Newcastle,

Just wondering if you've ever noticed those big signs on the freeway that say "KEEP LEFT UNLESS OVERTAKING". No, I didn't think so.

Also, the speed limit for Green P-Platers is 100km/h, not an inconsistent variation between 90 and 130.

Sincerly,
One of the fifty or so other drivers who had to overtake you via the left lane but one of the few who were able to resist the urge to drive 3 metres from the back of your car in the vain hope that you would get the hint and get the fuck out of the right hand lane.

Dear middle-aged guy at the park who is going bald, is slightly tubby and who has decided to walk around without a shirt on,

Your nipple ring is scaring the children.

Sincerely,
Some who also shouldn't be seen in public topless but who actually makes the choice NOT to

Dear Yahoo

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know. Let's Yahoo! it".

Just saying...

Sincerely,
Google

(NOTE: This Dear So and So was received as an email FW)

Why I'm Here

Generally I try to keep the things that I say and write positive but this results in a hell of a lot of wasted sarcasm lying dormant within me and poisoning my system.

So, to help me maintain the chaos side of the balance equation, this blog will contain the outpourings of the more vehement side of me but in the structured design of the Dear So and So letter.

There are some great Dear So and So's around so I reserve the right to post (naturally giving credit to appropriate source) rants that are not my own.

So, buckle yourself in and hold onto your hats - it's going to be a wild ride but you can earn yourself a T-Shirt at the other end, and that's just gotta make everything all worthwhile.